The Harry Potter Secret Love Lives - *FINISHED!*
by firemage1
Summary: As promised, the alternate ending *I prefer to think of it as the real ending ^^'* where Hermione chooses Draco Malfoy over Ron. Bill and Fleur make a reappearance, and Harry and Ron tell each other things they never intended to. ^^ Read/Review
1. True Feelings *Revealed*

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Scene One: The Gryffindor common room at midnight.Ron is lying in a chair and Harry is taking notes as Ron moans and groans.

Ron:What's my problem, Harry?

Harry:_(Looks up from drawing a doodle of Draco being eaten by the Giant Squid)_ Hm?I think you should tell Hermione how you feel.She deserves the truth.

Ron: Really?

Harry:It'll also give you a good excuse to talk to her.Works for me. 

Ron:I don't need an excuse.She's our best friend, remember?

Harry:_(Shrugs.Starts to doodle again.)_Whatever.If you don't want to do that, you could always play slick and corner her after dinner and then try to seduce her.

Ron: _(Thoughtfully)_ Hmm…not a bad idea.Better than that other lame idea of yours._(Harry shrugs again and draws X's on Draco's eyes.)_

Harry:How long have you even liked Hermione, Ron?

Ron: Ever since we saw each other on the Hogwarts Express.Man, there was some chemistry going on there, man, real chemistry.She digs me._(Looks real slick.)_I'm surprised she hasn't made the first move yet…_(Harry rolls his eyes.)_

_ _

***

Scene Two: The Slytherin common room.Pansy Parkinson is sitting on Draco Malfoy's lap.Draco looks disgusted.

Pansy:_(Batting her eyes)_ Do you love me, Draco?

Malfoy:Sure, whatever you say, Pansy, but do me a favor…get off my lap.You're cutting off my circulation._(Pansy gets shoved off)_That's better.

Pansy:So…Draco.There are vicious rumors going around that you and Hermione Granger are a…thing._(Malfoy turns pink, but Pansy doesn't see because the common room is dark)_

Malfoy:Me?Me and that chipmunk?No way!

Zooms to Malfoy writing in his "little pink book".*You have to watch enough episodes of 'Hey Arnold!' to understand. *

Malfoy:No one can ever know how I truly feel about you, my love._(He's talking to a tiny little moving picture of Hermione that he took when no one was looking and writing in his little pink book.He's wearing a feather headress thing that he wears only when worshipping Hermione. *) _I anticipate the day when I will finally tell you all of my feelings and hope that you will have the same.My - what's that??_(Jumps off bed, stuffs pink book under his mattress as the door opens and Pansy walks in.)_

Pansy:Draco?What are you doing up here alone?_(Squints into the dimness as Malfoy tries to back away.)_Where are you?Draco?Come down to the common room with me?_(Sees Draco in the very back of the dorm.Walks toward him.)_Draco, come on out!

Malfoy: Uh….

Pansy:_(Notices that Draco has not taken off his headress.)_What's on your head, Draco?_(Yanks off headress.)_What in the world is this???

Malfoy:_(As suavely as he can.)_That?I, uh, wear that to bed.

Pansy:You do???

Malfoy:Yeah…it keeps my hair nice and shiny._(Runs fingers through his fingers.)_

Pansy:Whatever._(Takes his hand.)_Come with me, Draco.Let's sit by the fire.

Malfoy:_(Sighs.)_Um…

Pansy:I knew you'd agree with me.

***

Scene Three:Breakfast in the Great Hall.

Harry: Hey, Ron.

Ron:Hmm?_(Stares at Hermione as she enters the Great Hall.)_

Harry:_(Sees that Ron is distracted.)_There's a…spider on your robe._(Ron jumps off.)_

Ron:Aah!Ahh!Geroff!_(People stare.)_

Harry:Where's the toast?

Ron:_(Still brushing at his robes.)_At the Ravenclaw table.Over by those girls.

Harry:Thanks…oh._(He sees Cho Chang sitting right by the plate of toast.)_

Ron:Oh, wait Harry!I found some toast right here!Harry…?

Harry:_(Sits down next to Cho.Grabs a piece of toast.)_Hey, Cho._(Puts his arm on the table and gets it stuck in the butter - like Ginny in Book 2.)_

Cho:_(Staring at Harry's arm weirdly.)_Hi…Harry.

Harry:So how are you?

Cho:Great…could you, uh, move your arm?I need to butter my toast._(Harry just realizes his robe is now buttery as he moves his arm.)_Thank you.

Harry:No prob._(Takes a stab at making a conversation.)_Do you like toast?

Cho:_(Nodding suspiciously.)_Sure…toast is good.I like toast.

Harry:…_(Dreamily)…_I like you…_(Cho chokes on her toast.)_

Cho:What did you say???_(Harry looks startled.)_

Harry:I said…I like…stew!Right, stew…_(Points to a large bowl of beef stew.)_Nothing like a good bowl of stew in the morning…_(Stands up and starts walking away fast.)_Well, gotta go!_(Bumps into Ginny, then runs away.Cho looks very confused.)_

***

***This is in no way true.Just make sure you remember that, 'kay?**


	2. Murphy's Law

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Part 2

Scene Four:Potions class.Ironically, Professor Snape is teaching everyone how to make love potions.

Snape:Now, love potions are intended to make the drinker fall in love with the person who made the potion, therefore you must "personalize" your potions with a piece of you.A hair, a toenail, whatever.Get together with and get to work.Move it!_(Seriously…I don't know that for sure, it just sort of made sense to me.And it helps with the scene.)_

Ron:_(Stands up with Hermione and Harry.)_Harry?D'you want to work on a potion with me?

Harry:No, stupid!I'm not going to fall in love with you!!_(Points to Hermione behind her back.Ron nods, just understanding.)_

Ron:How 'bout you, Hermione?Do you want to work with me?

Hermione:_(Shrugs)_ I guess so.

Malfoy:_(Sulking in his desk, glaring as Ron and Hermione walk off towards the cauldron.Pulls out his tiny moving picture of Hermione.It is now very crinkly and Hermione in the picture doesn't look too pleased.)_Curse the day I called you a Mudblood!That one day when I declare my true love for you will be the day…the day when nothing can go wrong.When I - 

Pansy:Yoooohooooo!Dracooooo!We have a loooooove potion to make!_(Pats the cauldron. Malfoy rolls his eyes when she's not looking.)_

Malfoy:_(Whispers)_ Until later, my sweet darling._(Shoves the picture into his robes.Regains his usual swagger and stops by Ron and Hermione, sneering.)_Well, well, well… Weasley and Granger?Was she the best you could get? 

Ron:Jump in the lake, Malfoy._(Turns red.)_

Hermione:_(Looking angry.)_Get lost, Draco!Don't you have somewhere else to be?_(Points to Pansy, who is sitting with her legs crossed, fluttering her eyelashes and puckering her lips.Malfoy's sneer slides right off his face.He sulks over to Pansy, who doesn't notice a thing.)_

Pansy:So, Draco, should I drink the potion, or should you?

Malfoy:_(Annoyed.)_I don't really care._(Pansy sidles up to him and whispers into his ear.)_

Pansy: You don't need any old love potion to love me, do you, Draco?We already have the chemistry, don't we, Draco?_(Draco suddenly lurches, grabbing the nearest cloth and rubbing his ear.)_

Malfoy:Augh!Pansy!You just spit in my ear!!_(Pansy looks horrified.)_

Pansy:Oh, I did not!Oh, I'm so sorry, Draco!Please forgive me!

Ron:So, Hermione…d'you think this potion's going to affect you after you take it?

Hermione: _(Shrugs.)_Maybe.I don't think it would matter that much though._(Ooh!She landed a big one.Ron's eyes widen.)_

Ron:So what are you saying?You already have…you know…._feelings_ for me?_(Hermione looks confused.)_

Hermione:I didn't say that!

Ron:_(Looks slick.)_Whatever you say.

Snape:Class dismissed!_(Everyone leaves.)_

Zoom to Malfoy in the bathroom, still cleaning his ear. 

***

Scene Five:Transition from Divination to Transfiguration for the Gryffindors.

Ron:Man, Professor Trelawney really went off the edge this time.

Harry:Yeah, that one was new…'You will find that a much hated enemy will be close to you in times to come'…what a fraud.But look at this…for once she didn't predict my death.

Ron:Yeah she did.She said that 'much hated enemy' will kill you next week.

Harry:Oh yeah._(Stops in his tracks as he sees Cho Chang walking to class.)_

Ron:What?Oh…_(Sees Cho, too.) _Just be yourself._(Claps Harry's shoulder and watches from behind with much interest.)_

Harry:_(Squares his shoulders and walks toward her while watching her.Doesn't watch where he's going and bumps into a wall and everything in his bag falls out.)_Oomph!

Cho:Wha-?_(Turns around and gasps.)_Oh my…what did you _do_?

Harry:_(Eyes are distorted.)_Say that…againnnnn…_(Falls to the ground on his ink bottles.)_

Cho:Harry!Harry, wake up!_(Punches his shoulder.Harry sits up, but his eyes are a little out of focus.)_

Harry:_(Looks around.)_Hmm?Oh, hello, Cho…What are you doing?

Cho:What am _I_ doing?What are _you_ doing?

Harry:Sitting on the ground.

Cho:Well, uh, you're okay now - I think -, so I'm going now._(Starts backing away.)_

Harry:Have a nice day!_(Cho runs away.)_

Ron:_(Snorts.)_You handled that well.

Harry:_(Eyes start coming more in focus as he starts to get back full consciousness.Starts picking up ink bottles and parchment.)_Handled what well?My ink bottles have no handles.

***

Scene Six:Honeydukes during a Hogsmeade weekend.Ginny is pretending to look at a jar of Cockroach Clusters while sneaking glances at Harry.Colin Creevey is nearby, checking out Ice Mice.

Ginny:_(Edges ever so slowly towards Harry.)_Oh, Harry…

Colin:_(From behind Ginny)_ Hiya, Ginny!

Ginny:_(Jumps and almost drops the Cockroach Clusters.)_Oh, hi, Colin.

Colin:Do you want to see the new pictures I developed of Harry?

Ginny:Well…I suppose so.Let's see them.

Ron:Look, Harry!I think Ginny and Colin are hitting it off!

Harry:She doesn't seem to be enjoying it though.

Ron:Who can figure out girls?I think Colin likes her.

Colin:This picture is of Harry before Quidditch practice…_(The Harry in the picture is shielding his face.Ginny sighs)_…This is Harry going to Transfiguration…_(The Harry in this picture is also shielding his face.Ginny looks at Harry and Ron)_…This one is- oh my gosh!How did this one get in there?!_(The next picture is a picture of Ginny, taken when she didn't even know it on their way to Potions.)_

Ginny: _(Stops looking at Harry for a second.)_How did _what_ get in there? 

Colin:_(Trying to shove the picture at the bottom of the pile.Turns red.)_Oh, nothing, just a picture of Harry, uh…um…forget it.Those are all my pictures._(Ginny just walks away.Slaps himself.)_Dang it!She got away again!_(Stomps out of Honeydukes.)_

***


	3. Smooth moves

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Part 3

Scene Seven:Outside the Great Hall, after breakfast.This scene's based on an episode of 'Hey Arnold!' only I'm twisting the plot a little.

Malfoy:_(Scans the crowd for Hermione, holding his little pink book..)_Where are you, my darling?This is the day…the day when I finally declare my love for you.I can wait no longer!I _must_ tell you._(Sees Hermione with Ron and Harry.)_But you're with _them._Oh, Hermione, I can only hope that you do not feel for them as I do for you._(Opens his pink book and looks at his tiny little picture of Hermione, who really doesn't look happy now. )_

Ron:Look guys!It's a Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow!I'm in the mood for some butterbeer, what about you?

Harry:Sure, why not?

Hermione:Maybe _now_ some people will join S.P.E.W!

Ron:_(Exasperated.)_I can't believe you're still all over the house-elves deal!

Hermione:Well, they deserve better!How would you like it if you had to obey someone's whims and wishes and not get paid for it?

Ron:If I were a house-elf?I'd enjoy it._(Hermione clenches her teeth.)_How many times do I have to tell you, Hermione?They.Like.It._(Hermione glares.)_s

Malfoy:_(Closes pink book and sneaks up behind them.Snorts behind their backs.)_Is this an attempt at popularity for you, Granger?

Hermione:Buzz off, Malfoy!No one asked you!

Ron:_(Suddenly smiles mischievously.)_Look, Malfoy.Your spitting girlfriend is calling you._(Malfoy turns around.Pansy is leaning against the wall, tossing her hair.)_

Pansy:Hey, Draco!Come spend some time with me!_(Malfoy clenches his teeth and stuffs his pink book in his bag.It's hanging in the bag by the front cover.As he stomps off, it falls to the floor.Harry, Ron, and Hermione don't notice it.)_

Malfoy:_(With some effort.)_Hey, Pansy.You look…nice…today._(Pansy squeals in delight and runs toward Malfoy.He looks scared as she attempts to jump into his arms, but instead she knocks him to the ground.)_

Pansy:_(Sitting on Draco's stomach as he groans in pain.)_Oh, Draco…_(dreamily.)_You say the sweetest things.

Malfoy:I think my appendix just burst._(Pansy giggles and stands up as Draco clutches his stomach and groans some more.)_

Pansy:Let me help you up, Draco._(Yanks him off the ground.Malfoy looks like he's going to throw up.)_Oh, Draco, you don't look so good…do you want me to hug you and make you all better?_(Throws her arms around his stomach and squeezes him.)_

Malfoy:Augh…_(Throws up all over Pansy's robes.People around them are starting to laugh.Pansy looks horrified.)_

Pansy:Oh, Draco!You – OH MY GOSH!My robes!My brand new robes!!_(Starts shrieking and running around hysterically.)_

Draco:Maybe it's an ulcer…_(Clutches his stomach and races for the bathroom.Everyone starts walking away from hysterical Pansy.)_

Ron:_(Closes his eyes in pleasure.)_I have to savor the moment.

Hermione:Should we just leave them there and wait for a teacher to find them?

Ron:Shh!I'm seeing Malfoy spewing all over Professor Snape in Potions _(Trips.)_What's this?_(Picks up the pink book.)_

Hermione:Hmm…it looks like a diary.

Ron:No kidding._( Stuffs pink book in his bag.)_Oh, well, I'll have to look at it later.

Harry:I wonder who's it is?_(All three shrug and walk away.)_

***

Scene Eight:Hogwarts grounds.This scene is a bit weird...

Ron:Snape's really got it in for you, Harry!We're making Truth Potions next week!

Harry:I'll just fake sick and ditch the lesson.Who knows?Snape will probably be jumping with joy.

Hermione:But then you'll fail the exam because you don't know how to make Truth Potions!

Ron and Harry:So?

Ron:What if he made you take it, Hermione?Would you want to spill everything about how you and Harry freed Sirius?Secret feelings you might have for someone?_(Winks at Hermione, but she's not paying attention.Harry shakes his head.)_

Hermione:Well, no…but…_(A figure comes up from the front of the castle.)_

Bill:Ron!Hey, Ron!_(All three turn around in shock.)_

Ron:_(In awe.)_Bill!What are you doing here?_(Everyone looks at each other, confused.)_

Bill:Can't I spend some quality time with my little brother?

Ron:You have Percy._(Bill looks a little disgusted.)_Okay, okay.Why are you really here?_(Bill looks around cautiously first, then lowers his head.)_

Bill:Okay, there's this foreign girl that works in Daigon Alley and well, _(Scratches his head uncertainly.)_I think she's kind of following me.

Harry:Someone's stalking you?

Bill:Not exactly stalking…more like just watching me wherever I go.She's French._(Harry's eyes widen.)_I remember seeing her here – I think she was from Beauxbatons.

Harry:Fleur Delacour!_(Ron sputters.)_

Bill:I think she likes me, but…I don't like her and I really want her to stop staring at me and everything.It's creeping me out!_(Pouts a little.)_

Harry:Well, she did seem to look at you a lot when you and your mum came to Hogwarts._(Bill scowls.Another figure comes up from the front.)_

Fleur:'ello!'Arry!Beell!Remember me?_(Everyone's mouth drops open.)_

Hermione:She followed you all the way here!I can't believe it!

Fleur:I was riding by when I saw 'Ogwarts, and I thought I would drop by to zee 'ow everyone was doing!_(Looks at Bill affectionately.)_I did not know zat you would be 'ere also, Beell._(Bill laughs weakly.)_

Bill:Well, I think I'll be heading back to Gringotts, now…see you guys later._(Dashes off.)_

Fleur:Wait, Beell!I must return to my work, also!_(Starts walking away very fast.)_

Bill:_(From a distance.)_Write to me, guys!Please!

Ron:_(All three are just standing there in shock.)_That…was just weird.

Hermione:Poor Bill…I would never follow a guy like that.

Ron:Not even if you loved him like crazy?_(Tries to put his arm around her, but falls down because she moves away without knowing it.)_

*** 

Scene Nine:Transfiguration for the Slytherins.Professor McGonagall is making everyone transform shoes into frogs.

Malfoy:Why would you ever need to turn your shoes into frogs?_(Pansy, who is standing next to him, sighs.)_

Pansy:You have such an inquisitive mind, Draco._(Smiles.Malfoy turns around and makes a face toward Crabbe and Goyle.They look lost.)_

Malfoy:_(Under his breath.)_Forget it!_(Pokes his pair of shoes.They transform into two huge, wet, green frogs.They croak.)_

Pansy:Oh, good job, Draco!You're so smart!_(Malfoy rolls his eyes.Crabbe and Goyle come to investigate.One of Goyle's shoes falls to the floor.)_

Malfoy:_(Looks suave.)_What can I say?I'm good._(Pansy sighs.Crabbe and Goyle walk over.Goyle trips over the shoe he dropped.His wand comes flying out and hits Pansy on the face.)_

Pansy:Ouch!_(Rubs her face.)_Oh, Draco, it hurts!

Malfoy:What do you want me to do about it?_(At that moment, Goyle picks up his wand, but Crabbe tries to step over him and falls on his back.A huge puff of smoke rises up with a bang.)_

Professor McGonagall:Everyone, stay calm!

Malfoy:_(Waves his wand and his free hand in front of his face to get rid of the smoke.)_ My frogs!Where are they!

A Slytherin:I think I stepped on something squishy!

Malfoy:You stepped on my frog?!_(A loud bang and sparks come out of his wand.Malfoy creeps toward his desk and searches for his pink book.)_If you were here, my darling, you would know what to do…_(Sticks his hand even farther into his bag.)_My book!Where is it?

McGonagall:Everybody stand still!_(Waves her wand and all the smoke disappears.Everyone is either lying on the floor, pressed against the wall, or stuck to the floor because they stepped on frog goo.)_Everything alright?_(Few people mutter yes.Class resumes.)_

Malfoy:_(Searching desperately through his bag.)_Oh, no!Oh, man!Please say it's here!_(Turns over his bag and everything falls out.Malfoy lets out a tiny squeak of horror.)_Oh…please, no… 

Malfoy flashes back to scene seven when he last had his pink book.

Malfoy:_(Looks really horrified.)_I swear I put it in my bag!_(Looks stricken.)_I hope my love doesn't find it!_(Relaxes a teeny bit.)_At least…I didn't sign my name in there.

McGonagall:Class dismissed!_(Everyone leaves.Malfoy scrambles out of there, looking worried.He scans the classroom.)_Can I help you, Mr. Malfoy?_(Malfoy shakes his head.A huge frog ribbits next to a pair of shoes.)_

Malfoy:_(Sneers.)_No, I don't need any help.I have to wait for Pansy._(Stands there for 30 seconds as McGonagall pokes frogs and they each turn back into shoes.Pansy is no where to be found.)_Oh well, I guess she had to split._(He starts to leave.The huge frog ribbits very loudly.Professor McGonagall examines the frog.)_

McGonagall:Hmm…this isn't a frog transfigured from a shoe.It's too big._(Frog ribbits loudly.)_No, it looks like something else that was transfigured.Hmm…_(Sets the frog down and pokes it with her wand.A loud bang…then Pansy appears in a heap, looking terrified.)_Miss Parkinson?!

***

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	4. Oy Vay! Freaky, freaky, freaky...

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangles love affairs everywhere.

Part 4

Scene Ten:Great Hall.

Ron:Today's the day, Harry?

Harry:What's happening today?

Ron:I'm going to ask Hermione out on a date.

Harry:Whatever you say.

Ron:What?You don't believe me?

Harry:No, not really.

Ron:You just watch and learn from the pro.

Harry:He's on his sabbatical right now.

Ron:Well, here goes.

Harry:I think I'll go…find some _toast*_._(Walks away fast.)_

Ron:Hey, Hermione.What's a woman like you doing at a place like this?

Hermione:Ron, I eat breakfast here.

Ron:Right!I knew that!

Hermione:Ron…I think I know what you want.

Ron:_(Blushes.)_You do?

Hermione:Of course!I've sort of noticed every time you try to play slick, Ron.By the way, you're really bad at it.

Zoom to the Ravenclaw table.

Harry:_(Walks behind Cho.)_Hi, Cho!

Cho:Harry!You just made me drop my toast!

Harry:Oh, sorry…I'll get you another piece!_(Reaches for a piece of toast just as Padma Patil grabs for one.)_Whoops!

Padma:Yuck!I just got grease all over my brand new robes!

Harry:Here, have a napkin._(Hands her a napkin and knocks over a glass of pumpkin juice.)_Er, sorry 'bout that!_(Hands Cho a piece of toast drenched in pumpkin juice.)_Here's your toast.

Cho:Um…thanks.

Go back to Ron and Hermione.

Ron:You've known all along?

Hermione:Ron, I'm not stupid.

Ron:Why didn't you say anything?

Hermione:I thought you would ask me first!Anyways, how does 7:00 on Friday sound?

Ron:Great!So how about we go to Three Broomsticks?

Hermione:Why?It would be much easier to stay in the common room.

Ron:It would?_(Eyes light up.)_Oh!It would…wouldn't it?_(Winks at Hermione with a stupid grin on his face.)_

Hermione:Of course!If you had a question, I could easily go to one of my books!

Ron:_(Mouth drops open.)_Hermione, what are you talking about?

Hermione:I'm saying that if you have a question while I'm tutoring you, I could just go find a book to help you.If we were in Three Broomsticks, it would be much harder.

Ron:Tutoring?_(He starts to blush bright red.)_

Hermione:Yes!That's what you needed, didn't you?

Ron:Sort of…in a way.Well, I've got to go now!Bye!_(Runs off quickly.Hermione shrugs and keeps eating._

_ _

Back to Harry and Cho…

Harry:Here's another piece of toast to make up for the five pieces of toast I ruined before!_(Picks up a piece of toast and knocks butter all over the toast plate.)_

Cho:Harry!Really…it's okay.Just…stop giving me toast._(Hold toast between her fingers and tries to avoid touching butter.)_

Harry:Oh, do you want a croissant instead?_(Hands her a croissant that is drenched in spilled pumpkin juice.The orange juice drips on her shoe.)_Er…maybe not?_(Cho looks scandalized.)_

_ _

***

Scene Eleven:Slytherin Common Room at night.Malfoy is sitting in his dorm alone.He solves a great mystery of life.

Malfoy:_(Picks at the feathers on his headress*.Writes on loose parchment.)_I wonder where my pink book went?_(Sticks headress on his head.)_Oh well, no point in worrying about it now. 

Pansy:Hey, Draco…look at what I have!

Malfoy:_(Runs up and locks his door.)_Doesn't she have better things to do?Geez, it's like she's stalking me!

Pansy:_(Knocks on the door.)_Hey Draco…I know you're in there._(Malfoy snores very loudly.)_Awww…you are so cute when you're sleeping, _(Walks away.)_Hey, Blaise**!Look at what I have!_(Hears distant yelling and screaming.)_

Malfoy:_(Sits up again.)_That's weird…I have this jumpy feeling in my stomach.It won't go away._(Rubs his stomach.)_Urrghh…now what the heck is that?_(Appears to be thinking very hard.)_Am I nervous or something?I know!I'm scared!But of what?_(Rubs chin.)_

Pansy:Draco?Are you talking in your sleep?_(Giggles.)_

Malfoy:_(Scrunches up his face and mutters.)_Please go away, please go away, please, please…

Pansy:I was just – oh, there you are, Blaise!Where did you go, you silly goose?_(More yelling and screaming.)_

Malfoy:Eureka!That weird feeling in my stomach is…fear!Fear of Pansy!Am I a genius or what?_(Scribbles on his parchment.)_Oh, sweet, sweet, Hermione, every day I understand everything more and more.And one day, I shall be able to decode your feelings for me!

Blaise:Hey, open this door!

Scene Twelve:Hogsmeade.

Colin:Okay, today's the day._(Creeps toward Ginny in a very obvious way.)_

Ginny:Colin?What exactly are you doing?

Colin:Um…see, well…you know…_(Hold up camera and snaps a picture of a very shocked Ginny.)_Smile!

Ginny:How dare you!!_(Shrieks and grabs the camera.)_I didn't even get a warning?

Colin:Well, Ginny, you know – hey!Hands of the lens! – the best pictures are never posed!Heheheh?

Ginny:Not funny!

Hermione:Oh dear, it looks like Colin got the bad side of Ginny.

Ron:So?_(Chews on a Sugar Quill thoughtfully.)_

Hermione:Shouldn't you do something about it?

Ron:Why?This is fun.

Harry:Besides, Hermione, I don't think either of them would like you to butt into their business.

Ginny:What are you going to do with that picture?_(Tugs at the camera.It flashes.)_

Colin:I'll throw it away, okay?!_(Pulls back.It flashes again.)_

Ginny:You'd better!!_(Lets go of the camera.It flashes again.)_

Colin:Thank you._(Walks away fast. Grins sheepishly to himself.)_

Ron:Aww, that's all?

Harry:What else were you expecting?

Ron:I dunno…a punch or two?A black eye?_(Hermione rolls her eyes.Ron notices.)_Of course, though, I am very…glad…that they stopped fighting._(Throws a fake grin at Hermione.)_At least no one got…hurt._(It's Harry's turn to roll his eyes.)_

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*Inside jokes from part one.

**Remember him from the first book during the Sorting?


	5. Karaoke, Pink books, and Winky

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Part 5

Scene Thirteen:Muggle Studies class.Just pretend that Ron, Harry, Hermione, Malfoy, and Pansy are in that class, too.

Ron:Karaoke?What's that?

Harry:It's something Muggles like to do.They sing with the song.

Ron:Really?Then I do Karaoke all the time!_(Hermione sighs.)_How's about you and me sing us a duet, eh, Herm?

Malfoy:_(Watching jealously from behind a chair.)_I planned it all, my sweet…I shall pick a song that will define my feelings to you in a way that is both discreet and yet…not.

Pansy:_(From behind him.)Come on, Draco!Let's sing a song together.How about this one, "Where You Are", by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.It totally defines our beautiful relationship.Doesn't it, Draco?__(Bats her eyes.)_

Malfoy:Uh, I already picked a song.

Pansy:"Crazy For This Girl"?Oh, I get it!

Malfoy:_(Starts sweating.)You do?_

Pansy:Of course.You're dedicating it to me!Oh, Draco, I'm crazy for you too!

Malfoy:Ummmm…yeah._(Runs up to the front quickly.Music starts playing.)Uh…?_

Seamus:Start singing already!_(Gryffindors hoot and catcall.)_

Malfoy:Oh.Let's see…_(Reads lyrics.)She rolls the window down, and she talks over the sound…_

Ron:_(To Harry.)Ugh, he's sounds like a foghorn._

Harry:Must be a very foggy day.

Hermione:_(To herself.)He's not half-bad, actually…_

Ron:Hey, Harry, how about you and me look for some embarrassing evidence to put in the Great Hall in that book?

Malfoy: …_Would you look at her, she looks at me, she's got me thinking about her constantly…(Spins around and tries to tap dance.)_

Pansy:Oh Draco, you're so compassionate, so sweet, so loving…

Malfoy:_And she carries on without a doubt…I wonder if she's figured out I'm crazy for this girl…(Looks directly at Hermione.)_

Ron:_(Roaring with laughter.)Oi, he's looking at you, Hermione!__(Hermione quickly looks behind her.)_

Hermione:No way, Ron.He's singing to Pansy - she's right behind me.

Pansy:Would you look at that!He's looking at me!_(Waves frantically.)Hi, Draco!__(Malfoy slaps himself.)_

Malfoy:_Right now…face to face, all my fears pushed aside.(Drops to his knees.)__Right now…(jumps off the stage and runs blindly in Hermione's direction.Closing his eyes, he stops right by her.)__Ready to spend the rest of my life with you.(Opens his eyes to Pansy squealing.)Crap!_

Pansy:Draco…I love you._(Flutters her eyelashes.)Let's run away and get married._

Malfoy:Uh, yeah. How about not?_(To Crabbe and Goyle, sitting there and looking stupid.)Hey it's your turn.What are you singing anyway?_

Crabbe:Spice Up Your Life.

Goyle:Spice Girls._(Everyone looks revolted at the idea of Crabbe and Goyle singing Spice Girls music.)_

***

Scene Fourteen:Gryffindor Common Room.

Ron:Listen to this one, Hermione!_Ode to Hermione, Sweet Angel of Goodness.Haw!I've never heard anything so stupid!_

Hermione:_(Grumpily.)Because you've never written anything with love.__(Snatches book, blushing.)Obviously, this person has strong feelings._

Harry:What else is new?He called you the Aphrodite of Hogwarts!What's that supposed to mean?

Hermione:Shut up, you guys…

Hermione's thought: Oh my gosh, who is this guy?He sounds so sensitive.I'm sure we'd really hit it off.And - what's that smell?Oi, Parvati is wearing way too much perfume again.__

Ron:Aren't you anxious to hear who it is?

Harry:WHO??

Ron:I don't see a name anywhere.

Hermione's thought:Maybe it's Ron, but he's pretending it's someone else!No, it couldn't be.Ron's not that kind of person.That would be weird.Harry, maybe?No.Wait a minute - it's Neville, isn't it?!

Ginny:Hey, Ron…hey Harry.What are you looking at?

Harry:A book of disgustingly mushy love poems and such.

Ginny:Who wrote it?

Ron:_(Shrugs.)No idea.It just says inside the cover, Mushy Love Poems and Such .See?_

Ginny:_(Sits in the chair closest to Harry.)So…who are they about?_

Harry:A girl Gryffindor.

Ginny:_(Eyes widen.)Really? _

Ron:They're all about Hermione.

Ginny:_(Mouth drops.)Oh._

Colin:Hey, Ginny!Wanna see my new pictures!!Oh, hiya Harry!

Harry:_(Gets up quickly.)_I need to use the little boys room._(Rushes out of the portrait hole.)_

Ginny:_(Sighs.)_Sure, why not?_(Drags her feet behind Colin.)_

Colin:See this one?I actually got one of Harry catching that Snitch.Ooh, ooh!This one is him right after he got out of bed!Can you believe it?He's tying hi shoe in this one…

Ron:He needs help, that one._(Looks at Hermione, who is looking through the pink book and blushing.)_So, Herm…what do you say you and me go up to my dorm and try to figure out this mysterious writer?_(Runs his hands through his hair.)_You know, it seems like me and him have…quite a lot in common._(Looks sauve and winks.)_

Hermione:Mmm-hmm._(Closes the book.)_I'm going to bed now, Ron.Big test tomorrow in Arithmancy._(Leaves.)_

Ron:_(Looks after her.)_Nuts!!

***

Scene Fifteen: The kitchen.

Dobby:Winky is needing to get up!Winky is starting to blend in with the floor!Winky?Where is Winky?

Winky:_(From under Dobby.)_Waah!Master is gone!Master is gone!

Dobby:So there you are, Winky!_(Steps off of Winky.)_

Winky:Master used to let me tend to his fire.And Master told Winky all of his secrets.Now Master is…dead!!

Dobby:Aw, snap out of it already!_(Shakes his head and recovers his old speech.)_I mean, Winky is serving Professor Dumbledore now!

Winky:Master used to let me scrub the pots until they was nice and shiny.And Master used to let me shine his shoes while he was moving.Winky used to love to shine his shoes.

Dobby:Dobby thinks Winky was in love with Mr. Crouch!

Winky:Noo!Winky is not in love with Master! 

Dobby:I think I will be leaving now._(Hurries away.)_

Winky:_(Sniffles.)_Winky likes Dobby.Winky thinks Dobby is very brave.Master would have liked Dobby!Master would have hired Dobby!Master is dead!!!

House Elf:Winky needs to get a life!!____


	6. Draco's almost-confession

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Part 6

***eep* I haven't been here in a while, eh?Not to worry!**

Scene Sixteen:Potions class

Malfoy:_(To himself.)_Today is the day, my love.I will finally confess to you my true feelings and announce my undying – 

Pansy:HI, DRACO! 

Malfoy:Arrgh!Just…leave me alone, Pansy!

Pansy:What's the matter, Draco?Don't you love me anymore? _(Puts on a puppy face.)_

Malfoy:_(Huffs and walks away.)_ What do _you_ think?

Pansy:_(Scrunches up face and starts wailing.)_But Draaaaaaaacoooooooo, I loooooove yoooooou!

Malfoy:Get over it!

Pansy:_(Sniffs, then turns to Blaise Zabini.)_Oh, Blaaaaaaaise!

Blaise:Waaah!Nooooo!

Ron:_Oh, chesnut-haired sunshine of my life, take me away from this cursed girl who acts like my wife_.

Hermione:_(Through gritted teeth.)_Shut.Up.Ron!

Malfoy:_(Sees pink book in Ron's hand and looks panicked.)_Eeek, no!I can't believe Weasley of all people got it! _(Swaggers over, looking casual.)_What's that you got there, Weasel?Your diiiary?

Ron:Actually, it's a pinky winky book of lovey dovey love poems to Hermione.You wouldn't know who's it is, would you, Malfoy?

Malfoy:_(Sudden look of genius.)_Actually, I just might, Weasley.

Hermione:Who?Who?Who?

Malfoy:Say 'pretty please'.

Hermione:_(Sighs.)_Pretty please?

Malfoy:With a cherry on top?

Hermione:_(Frowns.)_With a cherry on top…

Malfoy:Get rid of Weasley, first.

Ron:_(Glares at Malfoy.) _You'd better not be planning something, Malfoy._(Joins Harry, and they both glare at Malfoy from a distance.)_

Malfoy:Okay…_(Hermione looks eager.)_…no, I'd rather have you guess.

Hermione:Umm, is it Neville?

Malfoy:Longbottom?I doubt he'd be graceful enough to write a love poem.No, this guy is suave…smooth…and pretty damn sexy!

Hermione:Don't be silly, Professor Lockhart left two years ago!

Malfoy:_(Falls over Anime style.)_Uh, try again.

Hermione:Hmmm, suave, eh?How about Ron?

Malfoy:If Weasley wrote that, I'll confess my undying love to you.

Hermione:_(Sounds bitter.)_Don't be sarcastic, Malfoy.How about…_(Scene ends.)_

***

Scene Seventeen: Great Hall

Ron:_(Stabs his meat moodily.)_I can't believe _Malfoy_ of all people is doing this!Who does he think he is?

Harry:Wouldn't it be funny if the mystery poet was Malfoy?

Ron:_(Stops poking his meat.Starts laughing hysterically.)_Malfoy?!That'll be the day!

Harry:Uh, yeah, that kind of a stupid idea._(Cho walks into the Great Hall.)_Hey, I'll be right back._(Leaves Ron, who is still laughing and approaches Cho.)_Hey, Cho!

Cho:_(Instantly shields her face with her hands.)_Please don't give me any juice!

Harry:Huh?_(Starts blushing.)_Oh, sorry about that.

Cho:Do you want something?

Harry:Um, no, I just wanted to say…

Cho:Say what?

Harry:Um, uh, good luck on the Quidditch match!

Cho:Harry…Quidditch season is over._(Starts to walk away.)_

Harry:Stupid, stupid, stupid!Hey, Cho, wait!_(Starts to run after Cho.)_Oomph!_(Trips and grabs onto Cho's robes.)_

Cho:Aaaaahhh!_(Falls down while reaching her hand out to grab a chair just as Neville sits down on it.)_

Neville:Oh no!_(Drops his plate and falls on his behind.Food splatters all over Parvati.)_

Parvati:_(Shrieks and takes a step backward.)_My robes!!_(Steps on Seamus's foot.)_

Seamus:Watch it!

***

Scene Eighteen:Outside the Great Hall while the chaos ensues.

Hermione:Is it Seamus?

Malfoy:Nope.

Hermione:Oh, come on, just tell me!

Malfoy:Guess!

Hermione:Ummm…Professor Snape!

Malfoy:_(With a revolted look.)_Are you sick?!

Hermione:Well, whoever wrote these poems are obviously very passionate and they're very good at writing…_(fingers the pages on the book.)_He sounds like a very nice guy.

Malfoy:_(Scratches his head and blushes.Evil grin spreads on his face.)_Who's saying the writer's a guy? 

Hermione:_(Looks horrified.)_He's a SHE?!

Malfoy:_(Snorts.)_No.

Hermione:_(Hits Malfoy's arm.) _Don't DO that!

Malfoy:Just keep guessing.

Hermione:Ernie Macmillan.

Malfoy:Heheheh, yeah right.

Hermione:Goyle?

Malfoy:Ooh, you're getting desperate, aren't you?

Hermione:Augh!Crabbe?Terry Boot?Dumbledore?The Minister of Magic?Brad Pitt?!_(Malfoy shakes his head at every guess.)_Well then, _who is it?!_I've guessed every single boy, male teacher, and the headmaster!!!

Malfoy:_(He grins mischievously.)_There's one guy you haven't guessed.I thought you were a genius, Granger.

Hermione:_(Mouth hangs open.)_I named everyone, how could I forget someone?_(Starts to name boys to herself and walks off towards the library, forgetting about Malfoy.)_

Malfoy:You'll figure out soon enough, my angel of delight.Now, I'm starved!_(Walks into the Great Hall and finds everyone lying on the floor groaning in pain and covered with food.)_What the – whoa!_(Slides on some mashed potatoes and falls on his back.)_Ugggghhhh…

**Note:Did ya like it?Did ya like it?Did ya like it?I'm kinda proud of this one.Yeesh, it's been a long time.I know Malfoy is a little out of character, but how else was I going to get him to start confessing?Who do you want Hermione to end up with?Malfoy or Ron?I won't write the next chapter until I get answer, otherwise it'll be…Malfoy.*evil grin***


	7. The Moment of Truth

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Part 7

Scene Nineteen:  Library.

Ginny:  _(Exasperated.)_  Hermione!

Hermione:  _(Counting.)_  Justin Finch-Fletchey…what?!

Ginny:  You've been counting boys FOREVER!  Just stop it and ask him later!

Hermione:  Well 1.) _(Ginny rolls her eyes.)_  Counting and checking off their names on a list is _much_ more organized 2.) He won't tell me anyway, he'll just make me guess. 

Ginny:  But you've even been counting the professors, the headmaster, boys in the seventh year…people we don't even know!

Hermione:  _(Looks pensive.)_  It could be anyone, though…and I _know_ I counted everyone in our year…

Ginny:  Ron?

Hermione:  _(Sighs.)_  Yes.

Ginny:  _(Blushes.)_  Harry?  _(Hermione nods.)_  Even Malfoy?  _(Hermione nods and stops suddenly.)_

Hermione:  Malfoy!  _(Looks through her boys checklist.  Sees Malfoy at the very bottom, unchecked.)_  AAAAAHHHH!

Madame Pince:  SHHHHH!

Hermione:  I gotta go!  _(Runs away fast.)_

Ginny:  Was it something I said?!  _(Books on the bookshelf behind move as Colin's face appears.)_  Whatever.  _(Colin's face stares at her back.)_  Okay, why do I feel like someone's staring at me?  _(Turns around as Colin ducks.)_  This is creepy…_(Turns around again and Colin's grinning face reappears.)_  Arrgh!  _(Turns around fast and sees Colin try to duck.)_  COLIN?!?!

Madame Pince:  SHHHHH!

Ginny:  _(Sneaks around the bookshelf.)_  Colin!  Why are you spying on me?

Colin:  I-I'm not spying!  I was looking for a book!

Ginny:  With your head squashed between the books?

Colin:  Well, uh, you see…._ (Ginny gets frustrated, drops a book on his head and leaves.  Colin rubs his head.)  _Ahhhh, I think she likes me!

*                    *                    *

Scene Twenty:  The Gryffindor Area

Hermione:  _(Stands in front of mirror holding pink book in dormitory.)_  Malfoy?!  _Draco Malfoy?  Hmm, Pansy must have been feeding him crack.  He couldn't possibly be the one who wrote these- these __love poems!  Hmm…__(rubs head) I could have sworn these poems were written by Ron…I almost wish they were.  __(Loud bang sounds from the common room.) What the-! __(Runs down to the common room.)_

Ron:  _(Standing with a trail of smoke coming off of him.)  Oh hey, Hermione.  _

Hermione:  _(Looks stunned.)  What happened to you?_

Harry:  _(From behind a barricade of chairs.)  He tried to perform a charm that would make him look buff._

Ron: Shaddup, Harry!  _(To Hermione.)  Forget he said that._

Hermione:  Well…I believe him.  You do look a little more muscular.

Ron:  What?  Really?

Hermione:  Yeah, but don't try to look like your on steroids or anything.  _(Smiles.)  I like you just the way you are.  __(Blushes and leaves.)_

Ron:  _(Stands there looking dumbfounded.) ……_

Harry:  What's she talking about?  You still look all skinny.  _(Comes out from behind the chairs.)_

Ron:  _(Stands there looking dumbfounded.) ……_

Harry:  Anyways, did you hear that?  I think she likes you, even if she was lying about the buff thing.  Did you see her blush?  I've_ never seen Herm look like that.  Except maybe when Lockhart was around…never mind that though.  __(Ron turns around with an extremely happy look on his face.)  Well!  I think I'm going to go to bed now…__(Heads up to boys' dormitories.)_

Ron:  _(To himself.)  Wow…_

*                    *                    *

Scene Twenty-One:  Outside the Great Hall

Malfoy:  I wonder if my love ever figured it out…_(looks around uncertainly) Crap! Pansy's coming! _

Pansy:  _(Drags behind her a tied-up Blaise Zabini by the feet.)  So, Blaisey-Waisey, since this weekend's a Hogsmeade weekend, I was thinking we could go to Three Broomsticks, just you and me.  You know…__(purrs)…quality time._

Blaise:  _(Cries.) What did I ever do to deserve this?  __(Hits his head.)  WHAT'S WITH YOU WOMAN?  You're gonna kill me!_

Pansy:  _(Giggles.)  Oh Blaisey-poo, you're so funny.  __(Heads into the Great Hall.)_

Malfoy:  I'm so glad I left her before she discovered the uses of rope.  _(Hermione comes up behind him.)_

Hermione: Malfoy.

Malfoy:  _(Freezes and slowly turns around.)  Whaddya want, Granger?_

Hermione:  Draco Malfoy…you were the one who wrote these poems.

Malfoy:  _(Blush starts to creep up from neckline.)  So what if I did?_

Hermione:  The point is, _Malfoy, you need to understand that I have no feelings for you, __(in a sarcastic tone) sexy as you are, I'm not turned on unfortunately.  I've got eyes for another man.  __(Malfoy stands there looking dumbfounded. -_-')_

Ron:  Hermione!  C'mon, let's go to Hogsmeade!

Hermione:  Coming! _(Turns back to Malfoy.)  Here's your book back.  __(Looks at him weird, puts book on his head and walks away quickly.)_

Ron:  What took you, Herm?

Hermione:  Nothing.  Let's go.  _(They walk out hand-in-hand.) _

Malfoy:  _(Takes book of his head and pouts.)  Bye-bye my sweet. __(Sighs.)  I guess I won't be needing this thing anymore.  __(Starts singing.)  I'm all alone, there's nobody here beside me…_

A/N: Omigosh, omigosh, it's DONE!  *falls over in shock*  Well, the majority ruled.  Ron was the winner… 

BUT!  Since the author is a Draco fan at heart, she will write an alternate ending to this lovely story where Hermione ends up with Draco.  How's that?  I'm such a genius! *yah, that's why it took you all that time to come up w/ the idea* *shaddup*

Anyways!  You can still look forward to seeing another ending with Draco if you're a Draco fan or if you want a few laughs.


	8. The other Moment of Truth *insane warnin...

The "Secret Love Affairs" of Hogwarts…

Tangled love affairs everywhere.

Alternate Ending 

Scene Nineteen:  Hogwarts grounds

Hermione:  Urgh!  _Who_ wrote these?  Ernie Macmillan…?  No, Peeves…? _(Check off names on checklist.)_

Ginny:  Wow, it really bugs you, doesn't it?

Hermione: Yes!  There is not _one_ guy in this school that could be this sweet and sensitive!  And this talented at writing!

Ginny:  Do you think you'd like him if you knew who he was?

Hermione:  What?  Yes, of course I would.  

Ginny:  Not just because he likes you?

Hermione: _(Looks scandalized.)_  Of course not!  _(Looks thoughtful.)_  Though it's part of the reason…

Bill:  GINNY!  _(Both girls jump.)_

Ginny:  Bill!  What the heck?

Bill:  Aw, aren't you happy to see your favorite brother, Gin?

Ginny:  Actually – 

Bill:  Anyways, have either of you seen Ron or Harry?

Ginny and Hermione: No…

Bill: Augh! _(Walks around desperately.)_

Hermione:  OH MY GOSH!  _(Bill and Ginny look at her uncertainly.)_  Oh, it's nothing…_(stares at bottom of checklist: Draco Malfoy.)_

Distant voice:  O, Beell!

Bill:  Crap!  Hide me!  _(Tries to hide behind Ginny.)_

Ginny:  Stop it!  What's with you?  _(Bill dashes off into the castle as Fleur runs up.)_

Fleur:  _(Pants and looks around.)_  'ave any of you seen an attractive young man wiz red 'air?  _(Ginny stares.)_

Ginny:  Yeah…he went that way.  _(Points to Forbidden Forest.)_

Fleur:  Zank you!  _(Runs off.)_

Hermione:  _(Still staring at checklist.)_  That wasn't very nice.

Ginny:  You're right…I should have shown her to the castle.  _(Chuckles.)_  The look on Bill's face would be priceless!  What are you looking at?  Did you finally figure out who it is?

Hermione:  _(Blushes.)_  Er, uh, no…I thought I did.  _(Scratches head.)_  Why don't you, uh, go to the castle…or something?  

Ginny:  Alright….

Hermione:  _(Fingers pink book.)_  Malfoy… _(Blushes bright pink.)_

*                    *                    *

Scene Twenty:  Potions class.  Everyone is a little woozy from drinking too much Truth Potion.

Snape:  Goyle!  Stop putting that Truth Potion in Crabbe's hair!  You're supposed to _drink_ it, fool!  This potion is extremely strong - you're going to make him go bald!

Draco:  _(To himself.)_ You must admit, it would be an improvement.

Crabbe:  _(Hair bursts into flames.)  _ARRRRGGGHH!!__

Snape:  Stop!  Drop!  Roll!  _(Shoves Crabbe's head on the floor.)_

Hermione:  _(Standing by Malfoy with a big gap between them.)_  Trade with Harry, Ron.  I'm…not done yet.

Ron:  _(Both drink potion.  Ron stumbles.)_  You know what, Harry?  I always thought your sock tan was sexy.  _(Clamps hand over mouth.)_

Harry: Why thank you, Ron.  All from Quidditch y'know.  _(Trips.)_  I like your coral pink socks…_(both continue to babble on.)_

Hermione:  _(Quietly.)_  Malfoy.

Malfoy:  _(Stiffens.)_  What?

Hermione:  Will you drink my potion?  _(Holds vial looking a bit sinister.)_

Malfoy:  It's probably poisoned.  _(Takes a swig anyway.)_  

Hermione:  _(In a low mysterious voice.)_  You never told me who wrote those poems.

Malfoy:  _(Gets a little lightheaded.)_  Oh, those?  I wrote 'em.  _(Brandishes vial in her face.)_  You're s'posed to drink this, Granger.  _(Hiccups.)_

Hermione:  Right…_(takes a big gulp.)  _How nasty.  _(Leans against table.)_

Malfoy:  _(Falls over and staggers up again.)_  SO!  You know it's me.  Whaddya think, sweetie?  _(Cackles.)  _

Hermione:  _(Giggles.) _ I think you're too sexy, Draco.

Malfoy:  So do I.  _(Both laugh.  Draco starts coming out of his delirium.)_  Yeah… Hermione?

Hermione:  Yes?

Malfoy:  Do you wanna…will you…

Hermione:  Spill it, Romeo.  _(Hiccups.)_

Malfoy:  Willyoubemygirlfriend?  _(Takes a deep breath.)_

Hermione:  _(Stands on desk.)_  I DO!  _(Truth potion wears off.)_

Snape:  10 points from Gryffindor.  Get down from there, you silly girl.  _(Pours water over Crabbe's flaming head.)_

Hermione:  I mean, yes.  I would love to be your girlfriend.  

Harry and Ron:  What?!?!

Neville:  _(Comes out of nowhere.)_  You may now kiss the bride!  _(Bashes their heads together to make them kiss.)_

Seamus:  You know, you're not the Queen of England _yet_, Neville.

Crabbe:  Arrrrrgghhh!  

*                    *                    *

Scene Twenty-One:  Hogwarts Lake.  ß  (aka the scene that has no real point in it)

Pansy:  Come on, Blaisey-poo!  I know the _perfect_ spot for us!  It's nice and sunny and _nobody_ knows where it is!  _(Drags a tied up Blaise Zabini past Draco and Hermione, who are holding hands and sitting by the lake.)_

Blaise:  Somebody help me PLEASE!  _(Hits a rock and goes unconscious.)_

Parvati:  _(Comes out of castle.)_  So I said that he said that I said that…

Lavendar:  _(Stops suddenly.)_  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  _(Looks at Hermione and Draco.)_

Parvati:  Ooh, let's get a picture!  _(Colin Creevey appears out of nowhere with a big bandage on his head, a token of Ginny's love.)_

Colin:  Did you say picture?  Where's is he?  Where's Harry?  _(Parvati snatches camera and tries to take a picture.)_  Not so fast, girlie.  You have to pay me first!

Parvati:  What?!  _(Both start fighting over the camera.)_

Malfoy:  _(Ignores squabbling behind them.)_  So are Potter and Weasley okay with us?

Hermione:  They'll survive.  Right now they're concentrating on other things.

Malfoy:  Such as…?

Hermione:  You'll see.  _(Bill comes running out of the castle, Harry and Ron following close behind.)_

Bill:  Which way to Hagrid's hut?  I can't remember!  

Harry:  Over there!  C'mon!  _(Bill runs for his life around the lake towards the hut.)_  

Fleur:  Beell!  Come back!  _(Sees Bill running to the hut.  Dives into the lake and swims across.)  _I'm coming, Beell!  _(Bill screams.)_

Ron:  Faster, Bill!  She's gaining on us!

Parvati:  _(Distracted from Draco and Hermione.)_  You.  Creevey.  Get me a picture of that.  I'll give you five Knuts.

Hermione:  Draco, these people are distracting me.

Malfoy:  I think it's quite amusing seeing Potter and Weasley run like the dickens.  

Hermione:  _(Sighs.)_  If you insist.  _(Malfoy puts his arm around her.)_

Scene ends with Creevey demanding his fee, Fleur swimming across the lake, Bill, Harry, and Ron barring up the door to Hagrid's hut, Hagrid demanding to know what the hell is going on, and the happy couple watching from a distance…

The End…FINALLY! ^^ 

A/N:  I knew I couldn't leave Draco all alone singing…he's too cool! *now if only he were a hobbit…oh, don't mind me! ^^*  Okay, so that didn't go like I would have thought it would.  It's all good!  Wow…it's finished!  It's actually…DONE.  *sniff*  Welp, I'll be moving on to new projects, though what they are I don't know.  Look forward to spoofs…many spoofs.  ^^


End file.
